It’s not just about the house.
Or the new job.
Or going back to school.
Or moving closer to (or further from) family.
It’s about what those things mean.
Underneath every big life transition is a layer of hope, fear, and identity for each partner. And when couples don’t slow down to talk about that layer—the emotional one—decisions become battlegrounds instead of bridges.
“We’re Not on the Same Page”
That’s what I often hear in therapy.
One partner wants to take the leap.
The other wants to wait—or worries about what will be lost.
They both care deeply about each other.
But they’re speaking different emotional languages.
It can sound like:
“You’re not supporting me.”
“You’re rushing me.”
“You don’t believe in me.”
“You only care about your own goals.”
Often, what’s really being said is:
“I’m scared.”
“I don’t want to lose you in this.”
“I want us both to matter.”
Why Big Decisions Feel So Personal
In emotionally focused therapy, we talk about the “music” underneath the words—the emotional tone that reveals our deepest needs.
When couples face a major transition, old attachment fears can get stirred:
Fear of being left behind
Fear of failure
Fear of not mattering
Fear of the relationship not surviving the change
The decision itself is practical. But the feelings underneath are deeply relational.
The Tool: Creating a Safe Space for the Real Conversation
Before couples can make a decision, they need to understand what’s driving each person’s hopes and hesitations.
Here’s a structure I often guide them through:
1. Pause the logistics. Start with emotion.
Ask each other:
“What does this decision bring up for you emotionally?”
“What are you afraid of? What are you hoping for?”
2. Affirm the fear before debating the facts.
Example:
“I hear that moving feels scary because you’re worried about starting over. That makes sense.”
3. Use the EFT framework:
Name the cycle:
“When I push for this change, you pull away, and then I feel rejected.”
Share the vulnerable truth:
“I want this change, but not if it costs us.”
Name the need:
“I need to know we’re still a team—whatever we decide.”
You Don’t Have to Agree on Everything to Move Forward
The goal isn’t to erase difference. It’s to honor each other’s emotions in the process of decision-making.
That’s what creates connection. That’s what makes a shared life feel like ours, not just mine or yours.
Whether you move, stay, change careers, or go back to school—if you do it with emotional safety and respect, you’re already building the kind of relationship that lasts.
May this be a small olive branch of hope for wherever you are.
Warmly,
Susan
Susan Liddy, MAMFT
Cornerstone Family Services
Roswell, Georgia
🌿 Facing a Big Decision Together?
If you and your partner are stuck in loops over a major life transition—like moving, switching careers, or starting something new—you’re not alone. Therapy can help you create space for both voices, reduce conflict, and move forward together.
I offer complimentary consultations to explore whether couples therapy might support your next steps.
Let’s talk. Sessions are available in-person in Roswell, GA or virtually across Georgia. (My fees, should we choose to work together, range from $125–$135 per session.)
